Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.