wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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