so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.