So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.