I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.