And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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