there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
