Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
