I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
