I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
