Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
