HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
