the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
