I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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