just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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