I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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