I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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