By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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