my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
