Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
