i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
