Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
