my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
