I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
