Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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