I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
