Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
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I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
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its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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