I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the day after is always just damage control
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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