I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
