Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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