anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
