3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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