it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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