im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
