you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
