I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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