I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
They took my balls.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
