The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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