Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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