Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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