Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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