two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
