My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
