ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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