A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
