My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
