At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
