you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
