Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
