she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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