If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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