from now on my penis is your penis
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
