there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
