the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
