I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
