Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
