I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
