you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i think i just lost a toe
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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